There's a Word for Why Becoming a Mother Felt Like Losing Yourself. I Wish Someone Had Told Me Sooner.

By Jen Crawford | Doula Trainer | Life & Business Coach | Ireland

Nobody warned you that becoming a mother would change who you are.

Not just your routine, your body, your sleep. Who. You. Are.

If you have ever looked in the mirror in the weeks or months after having a baby and not quite recognised the person looking back — you are not broken. You are not failing. You are not struggling in a way that no one else understands.

You are going through something that has a name. And knowing that name changes everything.

What Is Matrescence?

Matrescence is the profound developmental and psychological transition a woman undergoes when she becomes a mother.

The term was coined in 1973 by anthropologist Dana Raphael — the same woman, incidentally, who gave us the word "doula." She used it to describe what she observed: that the transition to motherhood is as significant, as disruptive, and as transformative as adolescence. A complete reorganisation of identity, biology, relationships and self.

And yet, almost no one talks about it.

We prepare women for birth. We prepare almost nothing for what comes after.

The Science of Matrescence

Dr Alexandra Sacks is a reproductive psychiatrist at Columbia University who has spent her career studying and writing about matrescence. Her work — including a widely-watched TED Talk — has brought the concept into mainstream conversation for the first time.

Dr Sacks describes matrescence as a push and pull between who a woman was and who she is becoming. She is clear: this ambivalence is not a sign of bad mothering. It is a sign of honest mothering.

The research backs this up. During and after pregnancy, a woman's brain undergoes measurable structural changes — a process sometimes called "mommy brain" dismissively, but which is in fact a profound neurological reorganisation preparing the brain for the demands of caregiving. Hormones surge and crash. Relationships shift. Values are reordered.

This is not a malfunction.

This is matrescence.

What Nobody Tells You

Nobody tells you that you might love your baby ferociously and simultaneously grieve the life you had before.

Nobody tells you that you might lie awake not because the baby is crying but because you are quietly wondering who you are now.

Nobody tells you that the disorientation, the identity rupture, the feeling of being undone — these are not signs that something has gone wrong. They are signs that something enormous is happening.

Research shows that up to 80% of new mothers experience the baby blues — a hormonal crash in the first two weeks after birth. Around 1 in 5 will experience a perinatal mood disorder that requires clinical support.

But many more exist in the space between — not diagnosably unwell, but quietly struggling. Quietly lost. Going through matrescence without a word for it, without a framework, without anyone telling them this is normal.

Naming it is the beginning of finding your way through it.

Matrescence Is Not Postpartum Depression

This distinction matters.

Matrescence is a universal developmental transition. Every woman who becomes a mother goes through it, to varying degrees and in varying ways. It is not a disorder. It does not require a diagnosis or treatment.

Postpartum depression and perinatal mood disorders are clinical conditions that do require professional support — and if you are struggling, please do reach out to your GP, midwife, or a mental health professional.

But the quiet disorientation of matrescence — the grief, the ambivalence, the loss of self — these are normal. They are human. And they deserve to be held, not medicated away.

You Don't Have to Love Every Moment

Dr Sacks has said: "It's time for women to stop feeling guilty, ashamed, and afraid about their normal transitions to motherhood."

You do not have to feel grateful all of the time.

You do not have to perform joy when you feel undone.

You are not failing at motherhood when you feel the loss of your former self alongside the love for your child. You are living the full, complicated, honest truth of matrescence.

Both can be true. Both are allowed.

A Mother Is Born Too

When a baby is born, a mother is born too.

Not just the baby. Not just the birth. You.

Your brain, your body, your relationships, your sense of self — all changing at once. All reorganising around this new reality.

Give yourself the same tenderness you give your baby.

You are new at this too.

The world expects you to bounce back. But you were never meant to bounce back. You were meant to move forward — changed, deepened, more yourself than you have ever been.

Matrescence is not something to recover from.

It is something to be held through.

How Doulas Support Women Through Matrescence

This is one of the reasons that postpartum doula support matters so profoundly.

A postpartum doula does not just help with nappy changes and meal prep. A postpartum doula sits with a woman in the reality of matrescence. She names it. She normalises it. She holds space for the grief alongside the joy.

Understanding matrescence is a foundational piece of postpartum doula training — and it is woven throughout my doula training programme in Ireland.

Doula Training in Ireland with Jen Crawford

If you are drawn to supporting women through the full arc of the perinatal experience — including the profound identity transition of matrescence — my doula training programme is designed for you.

I offer:

Birth and Postpartum Doula Training in Ireland — evidence-based, values-led, and built around the whole woman. My training covers normal postnatal psychology, matrescence, identity and wellbeing in new motherhood, and the practical and emotional skills needed to truly support families.

CPD Days for Birth Professionals — deepening your knowledge of postnatal mental health, identity transition, and evidence-based postpartum care.

1:1 Coaching — for women navigating matrescence and the identity shifts of new motherhood, and for birth professionals who want to build practices rooted in genuine understanding of the postnatal experience.

Visit jen-crawford.com to find out more.

You Are Not Lost

If you are in the thick of matrescence right now — undone, uncertain, questioning everything — I want you to hear this.

You are not lost.

You are becoming.

And becoming is always the hardest part.

Jen Crawford is a birth and postpartum doula trainer, life and business coach, and co-founder of DoulaCare Ireland. She offers doula training, CPD days and 1:1 coaching for birth professionals and families across Ireland. Find out more at jen-crawford.com

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